


Half

by itsmadeofgold



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician), American Idol RPF
Genre: Kradam, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-01-26
Updated: 2010-01-26
Packaged: 2017-10-15 22:50:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,680
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/165663
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itsmadeofgold/pseuds/itsmadeofgold
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Written for prompt:  a Kradamy fic based on Adam's WWFM video, with a happy ending.  Warning for partner infidelity.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Half

Adam lay in bed, staring at the window as misty gray light streamed in through the curtains. He was letting go, for the moment. Letting his sadness have him. He knew that eventually he would get up, get dressed, face the world again. He knew he'd smile for the cameras, answer the same questions over and over again, be convincing when he repeated for the thousandth time that he was single, that he didn't really have a type, that he was too busy for relationships right now. That he was not in love. He was strong, and he could do that. But right now, home alone in his bed, he was letting go of his strength and letting himself feel.

It was scary, really. Acknowledging how much it hurt to remember Kris walking out the door was almost scarier than seeing it happen had been. Letting himself imagine the days stretching out in front of him, alone, having somehow managed to ruin the best thing that had ever happened to him, was terrifying. He knew tomorrow he'd put his mask back on, he'd force those feelings down, he'd continue on and nobody would be the wiser, but deep in his core he was terrified.

His mind raced back over the last few months, trying to make sense of it. Their situation had been a nightmare, and it was pretty much the worst possible circumstance under which to try to make a relationship work, but Adam had tried _so hard._ They'd fought their way through so many problems and overcome so much already, he had really believed they could keep it together until they didn't have to hide anymore. He thought things would get easier, not come to a screeching halt with such bewildering suddenness. As he let the feelings of loss and defeat wrack him, his memories came in frenzied clusters, devoid of context, streaming at him like disjointed accusations.

 _He's in the kitchen, surrounded by the remnants of the depressing takeout dinner he'd eaten alone, when Kris walks in. He doesn't even give him a chance to explain, he doesn't wait to hear why he's so late or where he was, he just explodes at the sight of him. He'd been waiting all night for him. As Adam storms past Kris, he hears him saying "I'm sorry," but doesn't look back._

 _It's the first day in the new apartment, and Kris is there with him. They look around at all the open space, the sprawling living room, and Adam puts his arm around Kris's shoulder, giving him a squeeze. They talk about how someday Kris's things will help fill the empty rooms, how someday they'll live here together. They are full of hope and laughter and bubbling up with all the future's possibilities when Adam pulls Kris into a long, lazy, familiar kiss. They tumble onto the couch, giggling at the loud pop! of bubblewrap as they crash into the mess moving has left behind. The laughter stops as their mouths meet again. They stay there all afternoon, surrounded by boxes and half-unpacked knick-knacks, wrapped in each other._

 _He's wandering in the courtyard. Pacing back and forth and back again. He is wishing he could take back the things he said to Kris, remembering the ugliness with regret and a growing sense of dread. He'd asked Kris if he still had sex with Katy. He doesn't know why he asked, he just hadn't been able to stop himself. He knows Kris can't leave her yet, knows they have to wait and be patient. They're walking a tightrope for the sake of their careers, and maintaining the illusion that Kris is happily married is part of that. Adam knows it. But when Kris said "what the hell do you think? We're still married. I still live with her," Adam lost it._

 _It's very late and they are assembling the guitar stands that are destined for the living room which will someday belong to both of them. Kris is laughing at Adam's ineptitude with something as basic as an Allen wrench, and Adam says that wrenches aren't the kind of Allen that he likes to screw with. Kris falls into him in delirious laughter and Adam catches him, wrapping him in his long arms with a small sigh and contented smile._

 _Kris is fuming when Adam walks through the door. He starts yelling before Adam can even open his mouth. He'd known Kris would be mad, he'd known it the minute he'd felt his lips crushing into Tommy's. At the same moment that the adrenaline was coursing through him and the haze of performance was making him wild, he'd heard the back of his mind screaming for him to stop, reminding him that Kris was in the audience for fuck's sake. He'd stayed out late, hit a few more parties than he'd strictly had to, knowing that Kris would be waiting for him when he got home. That had also been a mistake. He's making his third mistake now: getting defensive, throwing Kris's anger back at him, yelling "well if you can fuck other people, why can't I?" He doesn't know why he says it. He's never had sex with Tommy and doesn't intend to. Kris storms out, slamming the door behind him._

 _He's sitting on the couch, fiddling with the remote. He isn't quite sure what to do with himself, he feels trapped and alone in the sprawling, half-empty apartment. He wants to see Kris, but he has family in town and can't get away. Adam wants to go out, drink, dance, enjoy himself and forget his problems, but he knows it isn't worth the hassle of photographers and fans he'd have to deal with. He doesn't feel like he has the energy for it tonight. His phone vibrates in his pocket, and he pulls it out to reads Kris's text: "Miss you." Adam's mouth turns up in a small, sad smile as he types his reply: "Miss you more."_

 _Kris is arranging his guitars on the racks in the living room and Adam is watching him with fascination. The way Kris handles the guitars is so loving that Adam can't pull his eyes away from Kris's hands as he gently places the neck of each instrument in its appointed spot. He saves one of his favorite acoustics for last, placing it in the front and angling it out so that it faces the room, running his hand over it in a near-caress before turning to look at Adam with evident emotion on his face. "Now it'll be like I'm here, even when I can't be," Kris says._

 _Kris says "I can't do this anymore," and Adam stares at him in confusion. He thought things had been going relatively well, given the circumstances. They'd had their ups and downs and everything was always a battle but they - at the heart - were still perfect together. When they have the chance to be together, that is. Kris is agitated, moody. He won't answer Adam's questions, won't even look him the eye for more than a second before he's looking at the floor again, fidgeting. Adam reaches out to him and Kris pulls away, shaking his head sadly. Adam always thought when it ended it would end in an explosion, but somehow they always managed to recover from those. Kris turns his back on him and walks out the door. I guess we're ending with a whimper, Adam thinks brokenly._

Adam rolled over in his bed, trading staring at the window for staring at the ceiling. When his mind reached that last memory, the freshest, he winced. Had it only been yesterday? He felt like he'd been wrestling with that image, hearing those last words echo in his mind, for days. He hadn't heard from Kris since then. He'd sent him texts, even tried calling him once even though he knew he wasn't supposed to do that. Kris hadn't answered and sent no reply. Adam had run a gauntlet of emotions ranging from rage to shame to indignance over his long, sleepless night, ending with him laying here in sadness and defeat.

He just wanted a reason. Something concrete. He hated having to hide their relationship, but they had been doing it so long that it had started to be second nature to him. It helped that they were working toward a goal - if they could just make it until a new Idol was crowned, until the pressure eased a little bit, Kris could work on getting a divorce and they could start laying the groundwork for coming out of hiding. They'd talked about it often and at length, and they were getting there. They had put a lot of time behind them, and the day when they'd be free was only getting closer. They'd reminded each other of this often, whenever one of them began to go crazy with frustration the other was there with reassurances; pep talks and kisses and touches that lulled and comforted them. How could Kris suddenly decide he just _couldn't do this anymore_? He wouldn't even let Adam talk to him, wouldn't let any of his attempts to soothe him through. He'd seemed shut down, resigned. What was he thinking? What had happened that had made him give up? If only he'd answer the phone and give him a reason, maybe Adam could accept it. This not knowing was horrible - it verged on cruel.

Adam sat up, blankets draped over his knees, as he heard the click of the front door opening. He was briefly startled and wondered if he was being robbed before his mind supplied the more likely answer: _Kris came back._ He turned expectantly toward the bedroom door, his heart beating against his ribcage like it wanted to escape. What was this going to be? One last goodbye, or another chance? He held his breath as he heard footsteps approaching the door.

Adam exhaled, a small smile curling the corners of his lips as Kris walked in the room. It was just so good to see him. He thought he should be nervous, or even angry, but the look on Kris's face - mixed sadness and affection, guilt and apology - made his heart stutter and swell with the sudden hope that Kris was not here to say goodbye. The fact that he carried a large and bulging duffel bag in his right hand was another clue. Adam smiled wider and leaned toward Kris, his eyes shining as he tried to express welcome and invitation while also allowing Kris to make the first move.

Kris gently lowered his bag to the floor then moved toward the bed, climbing on and sitting on his knees. He sighed.

"Is it OK that I'm here?" he said quietly.

Adam laughed, one broken chuckle. "Of course it is, you idiot. Took you long enough."

"I'm sorry," Kris said. There was a pause, and Adam waited for Kris to continue. He didn't. He looked nervous now, or maybe ashamed.

"So," Adam said finally, breaking the silence. "Have you decided that you can do this after all?"

"No," Kris said quickly.

Adam reeled backward. "Oh," he said. His eyebrows furrowed, eyes wide, his face all confusion and grief.

Kris reached out quickly and grabbed Adam's hand. "No," he said again, more fiercely this time. "I thought about it, and I decided I couldn't live with our situation anymore. I... I'd been thinking about it for a while. The hiding, the lying, the double life, the... the shame of having to pretend to be something I'm not, and the fact that I had to betray you and betray Katy at the same time just to keep it going. The broken promises. It was _wrong_ , Adam. It's no way to live, you know? It made me hate myself." Adam nodded sadly, looking down. Kris reached out and tilted Adam's head back up with a touch to his chin, forcing him to look at him. "I decided it couldn't continue that way, but I wasn't sure how to make it right. I thought about leaving you for good... I really did. It would make sense... be the smart thing to do for my career, the easiest thing. Except it wouldn't be easy at all... it would be impossible. I couldn't... I couldn't do it. I left last night thinking that was it, that I _had_ to let you go, but it didn't take long to realize I was taking the wrong path. I couldn't handle the thought of not seeing you anymore, it hurt too much." He stopped, taking a deep, sighing breath before continuing. "There was only one other option, so I took it."

"What did you do?"

"I told Katy."

Two beats of silence.

"You _told_ her? What did you tell her?" Adams eyebrows were arched in horrified surprise.

"I told her I loved her, and that I was sorry that she had to be hurt, but the truth was that I was in love with somebody else and was asking for a divorce. I told her I'd keep us quiet for a while longer, and asked that she'd do the same... for all of our sakes. But I couldn't lie to her anymore, and I couldn't bear being with her knowing that it hurt you. So, I'm moving out. That's it."

"That's... wow." Adam shook his head, hardly able to believe what he was hearing, or afraid to let himself believe it. "How did she take it?"

Kris laughed shakily. "She's not happy. But I don't think she was totally surprised. She knew something was going on, some of my excuses have been pretty flimsy... she had some choice words for me, and rightly so. I haven't done right by her, and I know it. But she said she won't tell anybody just yet and I believe her. It would hurt her, too, if it got out. And I do think she'll be OK, in the end. I hope. Don't expect a Christmas card this year, though."

"So, that's it?" Adam said, exhaling shakily. "You're just going to stay here now? For good?"

"Yes," Kris said. "We'll still have to pretend for a while, at least until the divorce is final, and at best until the Spring... and maybe we'll get caught before then, I don't know. It will be harder to hide when we're living together, but... we'll deal with that if it comes up. And honestly I'm beyond caring. I just couldn't wait any longer, I have to be with you. Just you, for real. Not part time. Finishing things with Katy was the important bit. I'm not going to be cut in half anymore. I'm here now. Yours."

"Wow," Adam said again, a relieved grin slowly spreading across his face as Kris's words sunk in. And then, suddenly, his face turned serious again. "You know, you put me through hell last night."

"I'm sorry about that," Kris said. "I wasn't sure what I was going to do and didn't know how to explain what I was thinking... I was a mess, too. Then once I finally got up the nerve to do what had to be done I spent the rest of the night battling it out with Katy... I'm sorry. I should've texted or something. But I really didn't know what to say, or how it would end."

"I've been miserable."

"I'm sorry."

"You'd better make it up to me."

"I will."

Kris leaned in, putting one hand on Adam's cheek, then planted a series of soft, teasing kisses on his mouth. Adam smiled, leaning forward to press his lips into Kris's more forcefully, one hand winding around his waist to pull him closer. They moved together to lay down, mouths moving with increasing fervor and need as they went, arms moving to tangle together and bind them close.

"Feel free to take your time," Adam said through ragged breaths. "We have plenty of that now."

Kris smiled, answering with a playful growl, biting at Adam's lower lip.


End file.
